When the past Won't die
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: I still don't know how I'm going to do it, I don't even know if I can but what I do know is with him and the others behind me I'll have a damn good try and no one can ask more than that.


**When the past won't die**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:- **Meat is Murder

**Pairing:-** None – Sandra centric

**Rating:- **T

**Achieve:- . /group/new_tricksff/**

**Summary:-** . I still don't know how I'm going to do it, I don't even know if I can but what I do know is with him and the others behind me I'll have a damn good try and no one can ask more than that.

**Author's Note:- **In answer to the "Sins of the father" Challenge where something done by a parent of one character comes back to haunt them in the present day.

"He's my brother." Sitting alone now in my living room the only light coming from the small lamp on the end table, the empty bottle of wine reminding me that in spite of having drank it's contents nothing is taking away the pain, my own words still echo in my head. A brother? I have a brother, somewhere along the way not only was my father cheating on my mother but he impregnated another woman and now over 40 years down the line I have yet another thing to come to terms with. Until a few years ago my father was the centre of my world, the reason I did anything important in my life, the guiding star in the sky of my life and the guardian angel I honestly believed watched over me. So much has changed, so much is different now that I no longer know who or what he was and the anchor that kept me grounded no matter what is shattered. It's solidity is lying in a million pieces on the ground as I float away into a dark cloud of pain and lack of understanding. How could I have spent so long believing things that were so completely wrong?

"Sandra are you in there? Open up, let me in." The sound of Jack's voice on the other side of my front door sounds miles away and I've realised he must have been knocking and I haven't heard it. I don't want to talk, I don't want explanations or anyone making excuses for my father and his actions right now but I know Jack, I know he will stand there until I let him in.

"Jack I just want to be on my own, I can't deal with all this right now." He knows all that but he's walking past me into the house anyway and has settled himself in the seat facing the sofa that is strewn with the tissues that are the evidence of the tears I've once again shed for a man who will never know how much he's hurt me.

"Are you going to get me a drink or are you going to carry on getting drunk alone?" The way he just ignores what I think I want in favour of doing what he knows I need never fails to make me smile no matter how much the world feels like it is collapsing on my head. The concerned but resigned smile he gives as I open a bottle of Scotch and hand him a glass before sloshing some of the fiery liquid into it then one for myself tells me he knows how I am feeling and he's not here to judge that. He never judges just lets me react the way I need to then tells me honestly what he thinks. In a situation like this that's exactly what I need.

"Is this ever going to end Jack? I mean is there ever going to be a time when there isn't another bomb shell about my father waiting around the corner to blow up in my face? Just when I think I've come to terms with things and am ready to move on there's something else, something bigger and more fucking terrible."

"Sandra the days when you looked at your father with rose tinted glasses are long gone I know this is a shock, finding out that you have a sibling is shocking enough without finding it out in the course of a murder enquiry but you're strong than this. You're stronger than sitting at home refusing to face up to it and deal with it." The problem is that I don't think I am anymore. I was, before all this started, before suicides and corruption investigations and adulterous relationships and second families I was strong. I could handle anything, or thought I could.

"I'm not that person anymore Jack. The person who lived to make him proud, who made every decision based on what he would have thought of it is as dead as he is."

"Good." What the hell? God he's obtuse at times but this is odd even for him. One minute he's telling me I can handle this now he's telling me the fact that I don't think I can is a good thing. "That girl who first joined my murder squad and was so feisty, so driven by the living up to the ideal of a ghost that I and many others knew wasn't what she thought he was, needs to be dead Sandra. She should have been a lot sooner and I know that's partly my fault had I told you sooner the truth about your father's death maybe it wouldn't have been so hard on you when it all did come out but we can't turn back the clock and change that."

"But without all that who am I? What am I? I don't know how to stop defining myself and my achievements by how he would have felt about it all." Now I know we're getting to the heart of the problem. I've spent all of my life since the day he died when I was 14 being his daughter and now I don't know who Sandra Pullman is without that defining point.

"You will always be his daughter Sandra but it's time you started to be yourself because you are a pretty amazing woman." I know I he can sense my scepticism but he'll not let me stop him before he's said what he needs to. "You are one of the best police officers I have ever had the honour to work with, and you were even as a young woman right out of uniform rubbing everyone you met up the wrong way. You have always had "it" the thing that makes people not just average or well-trained but god at policing. You have the instinct the ability to read people, the trust in your own gut reaction and the strength of character to follow it through even if others think you are mad. Not only that but you are a great friend, loyal and caring and there have been times when without you I know I would have happily stuck my head in the gas oven and I know I'm not the only one. What you don't realise is that none of that is because you are Gordon Pullman's daughter it's because you are Sandra, a fantastic person surrounded by people who love her and respected by all who work with her."

"But how do I accept all this Jack how to I come to terms with it and keep being that person you claim I am?"

"I can't tell you that but I'll tell you one thing. We're all here for you, we all love you and we will be there every step of the way while you find a way to accept the past and move on from it because that's what you have to do." Silence has fallen between us and I know he's right, I know the day has come when I must cut the ties that bind me to the gold plated hero worship that was my image of my father. I still don't know how I'm going to do it, I don't even know if I can but what I do know is with him and the others behind me I'll have a damn good try and no one can ask more than that.


End file.
